I'm Pharaoh!

Since last March, I’ve been making very slow progress through the stories of the Old Testament with my story-crafting groups. Because I have four different groups, who all meet at different times and move at different speeds, I’ve covered the same stories over and over. Sadly, often I find I am not really listening with an open heart when I’m working through the stories with the groups. They Lord has been encouraging me lately to truly commune with the groups in studying the stories, instead of just leading them in the study.

A few weeks before Christmas, one of my groups was on the story of Moses and the last plague, the death of the firstborn. We started talking about how the Bible says that God hardened Pharaoh’s heart, and this conversation generated a very long discussion about people who drift away from their faith or its practice. The group was discussing all kinds of questions:  How does this happen? Were they really believers? Can they come back? What should we do? My thoughts here are not an attempt to answer these deep and loaded questions—just thoughts.

I was thinking about how from the beginning of the plagues, the Bible tells us that Pharaoh hardened his heart—because he wanted to keep the descendants of Abraham as his slaves, and because he refused to acknowledge the Lord. But then, after a few plagues, interspersed with him hardening his own heart, God is hardening his heart too . . . until by the end, it seems that it is only God. Again, I’m not trying to create a theology out of this, but it does seem like maybe we can learn something here. When we ignore Him, resist Him, for so long, then finally He pushes us to a breaking point, and does something so shocking that we have to acknowledge Him. I think we can see this principle in Romans 1:18-32, also.

As we discussed this in the group, I thought, “Hmm, I’ve never really thought of this before.” I thought that was the end. But, as it turns out, God had more to say to me through this story—it seems that I’m Pharaoh! When we did this study, I had been extremely emotional, feeling assaulted by thoughts and emotions that I felt powerless to control. I turned to counsel from loved ones, to books and articles, to journaling and pondering . . . but not to Him. Now I feel like maybe He was withholding relief from me, in order to drive me to Himself.

The weekend after this, over and over He gave me Psalm 42:

1 As the deer pants for streams of water, 
  
so my soul pants for you, my God. 

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. 
  
When can I go and meet with God? 

3 My tears have been my food 
  
day and night, 
while people say to me all day long, 
  
“Where is your God?” 

4 These things I remember 
  
as I pour out my soul: 
how I used to go to the house of God 
  
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise 
 
 among the festive throng.

 5 Why, my soul, are you downcast? 
  
Why so disturbed within me? 
Put your hope in God, 
  
for I will yet praise him, 
  
my Savior and my God.

 6 My soul is downcast within me; 
  
therefore I will remember you 
from the land of the Jordan, 
  
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. 

7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

 8 By day the LORD directs his love, 
  
at night his song is with me— 
  
a prayer to the God of my life.

 9 I say to God my Rock, 
  
“Why have you forgotten me? 

Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” 

10 My bones suffer mortal agony 
  
as my foes taunt me, 
saying to me all day long, 
  
“Where is your God?”

11 Why, my soul, are you downcast? 
  
Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, 
  
my Savior and my God.

One of the best parts of this psalm, to me, is verse 6. The psalmist is remembering where the descendants of Abraham have been . . . how God has been faithful to them. When I stop to do this, I am stunned. How tenderly He has led me, how deeply He has blessed me! The painstaking detail of His care of me throughout my life is unfathomable . . . and my little life is just one tiny, tiny part of His great work all over the world and all throughout history!

When I remember where He and I have been together, I know I don’t need to worry. In many ways, I’m in new territory in my life right now, but He knows that. And even if the only sure thing is His hand, I can cling to that with all my heart. There’s no need for me to be dramatic, to be overwhelmed by emotions, following the trail of every thought that passes through my mind. I can surrender my heart and mind to Him, and allow Him to bring to completion whatever it is He’s doing. I can put my hope in Him, because by day He directs me with His love, and at night His song is with me, if I will listen—a prayer by my Faithful High Priest to the God of my life.